As a director, I’ve sat through hundreds and hundreds of auditions. From diapers to Depends, I’ve seen it all. In general, one could say I’m a fairly easy person to audition for. I know that no matter who you are, you are putting yourself out there while auditioning and I understand how difficult that can be. Trust me, I’ve been there too. So, I empathize. Plus, I’m not afraid to compliment a job well-done. Sometimes, people deserve that much. However, I’m not going to lie, there are a few things that just get under my skin in the audition room. Every now and then, somebody will do something that I just can’t take, and it’s difficult for me to even force that fake smile and say “thank you” at the end of it all. It doesn’t matter if we are talking community theatre, school, regional, or Broadway. The same rules apply.
So, here it is. A short list of my “audition pet peeves.” Call it self-indulgent or helpful tips. Regardless, these are things that I advise against when going through an audition, and I’m sure there are thousands of directors and casting directors out there that would agree.
1) The Stare-Down. This one’s fairly simple. I cannot handle it when a performer delivers there audition directly into my eyes. Sure, try to make the performance as intimate as you want, but that tells me nothing about your ability to perform to a crowd of several hundred people. Besides, talk about awkward! I’ll never forget having “Hey Big Spender” sung right to my face. Yup, that was weird.
2) The Inquisitor. Please, please, PLEASE don’t ask me what I thought of your audition. If I want to tell you, I will tell you! If I didn’t enjoy your audition, I still respect the work you have done enough to not crush your hopes and dreams on the spot. No one wants to be on either side of that situation. So please, don’t ask.
3) The Friend. The theater is so specialized, and the community is so tight, that one day, I promise you, you will have to audition for a friend. And it can lead to bad things. I’ve had many friends audition for my productions in the past, and I’m proud to say that most of them are mature enough to keep it professional. But every now and then somebody will try to use it to their advantage. It’s uncomfortable. It’s manipulative. It’s fake. I’m sorry, no matter how genuine our relationship is, it’s important that we both do our jobs. Don’t take it personally.
4) The Chatterbox. Honestly, it’s not that I don’t think you’re interesting. It’s just that the other three hundred people are interesting too. Go in and do your job. If we want to know more, we’ll ask. This is simply to keep the process going. When people go into an audition and relay their life story, it’s very off-putting. Sorry, but this is not American Idol.
5) The Chewer. Seriously? Gum? You’re chewing gum? No. This should be an obvious no-no. But, believe me, it’s happened.
6) “I’m sorry!” For some reason, people apologize all the time in auditions. It’s not necessary. I know your trying to be polite, but honestly, if you’re sick, we’ll be able to tell. If you miss a note, we know. And we know you didn’t mean to. You’re human, not a robot. And that’s okay. We want to hire a human, not a robot. Take the mishap, and turn it around for the better. In the end, you’ll show more versatility and no one will care that you screwed up. Then, you won’t be sorry!
7) The Teacher’s Pet. Please don’t compliment me. I’m totally okay with saying “Hi! How are you?” etc. But when it goes past this, we both know what you’re trying to do. Again, keep it real.
8) The Over-Compensator. Sure, I love when somebody comes in and has choreographed a dance with their song. And I love when people move around a bit when they are delivering their monologue. Giving yourself this freedom both shows preparation, commitment, and (if done well) characterization. However, some people go waaaaaaaayyyyyy toooooooo faaarrrrrrr…. If you come into the room acting like Patti Lupone and Ethel Merman’s love child hopped up on Starbucks, it’s time to tone it down a bit. That’s right, you can get rid of your solo kick line.
So, there you have it, some of my audition pet peeves. Don’t take this as the definitive word on audition rules, but I guarantee that if you keep these things in mind, but still allow yourself to relax and go with the flow, your next audition may just go even better than you expect.